


Slow Burn

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Gerard Way and the Hormones, My Chemical Romance, frnkiero andthe cellabration
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Biting, Break Up, Complete, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, M/M, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Pining, Rating: NC17, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-01 17:23:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2781524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Frank was adamant that there would never be an official last time.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slow Burn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [winterlover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterlover/gifts).



> This was written for Bandom Holidays 2014 as a gift for winterlover.
> 
> Content note - one mention of physical PTSD symptoms.

**The last time**

Sometimes it feels like your bones are melting into another person. Like you can’t figure out where your flesh ends and theirs begins. Maybe looking would make it obvious… Frank’s is the tattooed skin… But Frank’s eyes are closed right now. He’s all about feeling at the moment. 

When Gerard moves inside him like this, it’s like nothing else. No other feeling can compare. Frank’s flat on his belly on the bed, head cradled in his arms as Gerard pushes gently in and out of him. Sometimes not so gently, and other times hitting in just that right place that makes fireworks appear behind Frank’s eyelids. 

It’s a slow burn, the rhythmic in-and-out, in-and-out tempo that Gerard sets. Frank is lulled by it. He doesn’t have many moments in his life when he’s not thinking ahead to what’s coming next or reflecting on what's just happened. When he’s with Gerard like this, the only thing that matters is now, right here. Just the two of them and the friction between their bodies. 

“Are you here?” Gerard asks, his voice almost tentative as he breaks the silence. The only sound has been their commingled heavy breathing for the last… Frank doesn’t know how long. 

“Mmmhmm,” Frank murmurs. “Right here, with you.” 

“How do you feel?” 

Gerard picks up the rhythm, driving in harder, making Frank cry out, “Feel so good. So fucking deep.” Gerard’s arms come around Frank’s shoulders, hands snaking down Frank’s arms until Gerard intertwines his fingers with Frank’s. Frank immediately pulls Gerard’s right hand to his mouth, biting down so hard on Gerard’s fingers, his teeth scrape off the end of a nail and the coppery taste of blood blooms into Frank’s mouth. It’s hot and metallic and delicious. 

Gerard doesn't even seem to notice. “Is it good, Frankie? Tell me you love it,” Gerard grunts as his thrusts become punishing.

“I love it so goddamn much,” Frank can only just gasp, barely holding onto threads of coherence. “You’re the best, Gee. So good.”

Frank bites down on Gerard’s finger again, harder this time after a particularly brutal thrust and then Gerard’s the one crying out, moaning incoherently as he comes. His thrusts don’t diminish right away, he rides his orgasm out, wringing it for all it’s worth. He always does. Frank gets his arm down underneath his body and manages to lean over just enough to one side to jerk himself off. He comes while Gerard’s still moving inside him, sucking on Gee's bloody finger as he comes down. He gets chills from the soft sounds of Gerard’s incomprehensible murmurs that eventually peter out into, “Love you. I love you so much. So fucking much, I love you.”

Frank has to agree. He turns around so he can say it into Gerard’s mouth. “I love you, too. I love you.” The words get swallowed up by a kiss. Frank figures that’s a safe place for them.

*_*_*

Frank was adamant that there would never be an official last time. The idea of it was too heartbreaking to even consider. There was really no question when the label brought up the idea. No, we won’t do a last show. No last tour. Nothing like that. It sucks to look back and think about Bamboozle and how they had no idea it was the last time. But it’s just better that way. 

Other things are better that way, too. 

Of course Frank remembers the last time with Gerard. But this way it’s almost like the last time was just a continuation of all the other times before. Nothing remarkable or noteworthy about it. Well, aside from the fact that Frank would say every time with Gerard was noteworthy and remarkable because Gerard is a fucking awesome fuck. 

But sometimes… sometimes Frank has to look back and wonder whether anything was different. He can remember images, feelings. He remembers words and whispered phrases. It’s mainly the sound of Gerard’s voice in those quiet, intimate moments that comes back into Frank’s brain. It always seems to happen late at night as he’s drifting off to sleep or early in the morning during the last few fading seconds of dreams just before wakefulness sets in and his eyelids twitch open. It’s those moments that break him, make him want to forget all of it, even if only for a little while. Just to give himself a break from the ache inside him, the slowly burning fire. Smoldering coals with embers glowing ever more faint, but staunchly refusing to actually burn out. 

*_*_*

_”But if I fall flat on my face, then may my bones break under my own weight.”_

Frank’s favorite moment during the sets on this tour have to be right at the beginning of _Weighted_. It’s something about the way the crowd cheers. It’s how loud they get and how excited they are as they sing along. The first time that happened, Frank thought his heart was going to burst from it. He’s always ready for it now, but he still never really _expects_ it. 

He’s had his moments of ridiculousness over the whole thing during phone conversations with Gerard. He ends up giggling and feels like he’s gushing. He has to chalk it up to late nights on tour and being overtired and slap-happy. Gerard gets it, though. 

“It’s amazing isn’t it, Frankie? There’s nothing else like it.”

“Nothing,” Frank has to agree. “It’s weird, though, because it’s happened before. I mean, it isn’t the first time the fans sang along.”

“It’s different, though,” Gerard counters. “It’s different now. It’s something about the fans, how they always show up. No matter what. Even if we're gone for a while and come back doing something else. The fans are still there. They always learn the words.” 

Frank thinks about the heart-bursty feeling and figures Gerard knows exactly what that’s like. It’s so odd having such similar experiences at the same time, but not together. That thought sobers Frank a bit, but he replies, “They amaze me.” Because it’s true. The fans are amazing.

“Yeah,” Gerard confirms, but then he’s quiet and Frank wonders if Gerard is thinking similar sobering thoughts. After a few long seconds, Gerard says quickly, “Wanna come see your set.” He says it almost like it’s off-the-cuff, even though Frank knows it’s not. The way Gerard mumbles it almost sounds like the way he used to mumble in bed after sex. He’d save important, high-stakes conversations for post-coital glow because he’s an asshole. 

“Gee, I don’t-”

“I know,” Gerard cuts him off and says, bitterly, “You don’t want me there.” 

“It isn’t that. Don’t take it like that!” Frank doesn’t get why they can’t avoid this conversation lately. 

When they were together, Frank would always bounce ideas off Gee and share what he was working on. Even when he knew the band was ending, he thought they still might share their solo works-in-progress with each other. But then Gee ended things between them and Frank was left so hurt and angry. He felt lost without Gerard always there to talk to about his new ideas. Feeling insecure at not having Gerard’s opinion just made Frank even more pissed off. After that, he was determined to do all this on his own. Gee had seemed to get that, but he was obviously hurt that Frank wouldn't let him have an advance listen to _Stomachaches_. And now Gee's been watching YouTube videos of Frank's sets. It was only a matter of time before Gee would bring up coming to a show himself. 

“I know it’s your thing and you want to do it all on your own. I get that, I just… I just miss seeing it. I miss seeing you like that, live and in-person.” Frank has no idea how to respond to this. After a few more long, burning seconds of silence, Gerard adds. “I miss seeing you at all. I miss us.”

“Gee-”

“I’m sorry.” Gerard rapidly adds, “It slipped out.”

“No it didn’t. Liar.”

“You’re right. It didn’t,” Gerard admits without even the barest hint of remorse.

“How long have you been wanting to say that?”

“Months.” Frank’s quick intake of breath seems to flow right into Gerard’s long sigh on the other end of the line. “So I’ve actually been pretty restrained, okay? It’s a relief to have said it out loud.” Frank snorts; even after all these years he’s stilled charmed by Gerard’s utter earnestness. “I know it isn’t fair.”

“That’s why we agreed not to talk about it,” Frank says, sharply. “It isn’t fair, Gerard. I had to get over us.” 

“I know.” Gerard’s voice comes out in a whine at first, but then he pauses before continuing more calmly. “I know it was my choice and I’ve respected you not wanting to talk about it. But I never really agreed to it.” After a few seconds of silence, Gerard adds, softly, “I still get to have feelings.” 

“Your feelings suck, please keep them to yourself.” Frank’s tone is sullen, but he’s mostly teasing. Gerard gets that and laughs. Frank sighs, letting his breath out long and slow. “But I suppose at some point there must be a statute of limitations on post-breakup conversations.”

“Yeah?” The way Gerard says it, it comes out as a gasp, as if Gerard’s actually been holding his breath these last few minutes. 

“Yeah,” Frank confirms. 

“Hmmm…” It’s quiet for a several seconds and Frank just waits, listening to Gerard’s hmmming. It’s his thinking sound. It means something’s coming and Frank has to be patient. Finally, Gerard simply asks, “So are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Over us?”

*_*_*

Forgiveness is hard from afar, Frank has realized. It’s hard because you always think about the person who wronged you as they were then, when they hurt you. Even when faced with long phone conversations that explain in explicit detail that a person is different, has grown, has learned lessons, and is genuinely sorry for wrongdoing, it’s still so incredibly easy to just close your eyes and remember the hurt. That way you can always stay angry. 

But Frank is kind of tired of being angry. Actually, at this point he’s really just tired of pretending to be angry. He hasn’t actually been angry for a while. And he hasn’t been sad, either. Because things are pretty damn good, better than he imagined they’d be. So he can’t complain.

But forgiveness is tricky. Frank is painfully aware that forgiveness can’t be taken back once it’s given. His therapist says forgiveness is freedom. Freedom to let go. Frank wants that. He wants to let go of the hurt and the pain, but he kind of wants to keep the emotional battle scars. He isn’t sure how that works. He doesn’t want to be the dick who rehashes ancient history, but he thinks it would be a mistake to never talk about the past. His therapist says that isn’t healthy anyway. 

All of this forgiveness bullshit was just theoretical, though. Just something in the back of Frank’s mind when he’d talk to Gerard on the phone. He wasn’t sure if there’d ever be a time when Gerard would actually ask for forgiveness. He might not feel that he needs it and that’s fine. But there’s a part of Frank that somehow feels the need to _give_ forgiveness. Not for the band ending, that was fine. That had to happen. But Frank never truly believed that he and Gerard had to break up. Gerard said they did, but… well, even if they did have to end, the way things ended was shitty. It was so abrupt, Frank was left reeling. He knew the band was ending, but he was still blindsided when Gerard left him. Even thinking about it now, after all the time that’s past - when Frank remembers how stunned he was, his chest gets all tight and he wants to puke. His therapist says those are normal PTSD type symptoms. Frank thinks it’s kind of nuts to have PTSD symptoms over a breakup, even if it was pretty fucking awful. 

Now Frank is faced with the forgiveness issue for real this time, because he finally agreed to see Gerard again. After quite a few very near misses in their touring schedules, Frank’s decided to stop avoiding what’s probably inevitable. 

He isn’t sure if he’s ready. 

*_*_*

_“I understand why you couldn’t stand another day standing in your own way.”_

Frank had said, “What if I come see your set first?”

It turns out that was exactly the right answer. Because forgiveness is easier in person.

Frank hasn’t watched any videos of Gerard performing on this tour. He’s listened to the album, of course, but he couldn’t follow the tour. It’s too weird, seeing Gerard with a different band, singing songs that Frank didn’t help write. But he knows it’s time. Waiting isn’t going to make it any easier.

Sometimes the fear of a thing is far worse than the thing itself. 

Frank is entranced throughout the whole set. It’s not really his type of music at all but now, seeing it live, he kind of loves it. Gerard looks fucking amazing. Frank isn’t sure what he was expecting to see, but this isn’t it. Gerard is just so… bright and... bouncy. Not that he was ever particularly subdued with My Chem, but this is different. It’s something else entirely. It’s something that My Chem never could have been. Gerard’s voice sounds amazing, totally clean and clear. He looks great, so fucking healthy. He looks like he’s happy. Like he’s just having _fun_. It’s different, lighter. Gerard seems like he _feels_ lighter. Frank’s never seen Gerard quite like this and maybe never would have seen it if… if things hadn’t… Well. 

Frank doesn’t see Gerard until after the show, long after. He doesn’t even bother trying to connect with him at the venue, too many interested eyes and ears around. Frank’s especially impressed with what he’s heard about how much time Gerard’s been spending with the fans after shows lately. Gerard tweeted that he was planning to sign tonight, so Frank waits a while before heading over to the hotel.

It’s really fucking late when Frank finally knocks on Gerard’s door. He isn’t ready for the way his chest feels like it’s going to collapse when Gerard opens the door. He backs away and makes room for Frank to come in before gently closing the door behind them. 

“Hey, Frankie,” Gee says softly after turning around. He moves like he wants to hug Frank or shake his hand or something, but then seems to think better of it, backing away and giving Frank more space than he really needs. 

Frank says, “Hey, it’s-” he falters, unsure what he means to say, “good to see you,” he finally finishes. This is crazy. It shouldn’t be this awkward. It shouldn’t feel weird to see each other again after all they’ve been through. Frank’s skin feels too tight, like it does when he’s running a fever. It’s ridiculous, but Frank isn’t really shocked. Somehow he knew it would be like this. This is why they’ve talked on the phone and texted almost daily for months, but still haven’t been in the same room together. Frank takes in how utterly anxious Gerard looks. It’s the polar opposite from the swagger he was displaying onstage tonight and Frank suddenly knows what he wants to say. “You were fucking amazing tonight.” 

“Yeah?” Gerard bites his lip, an unsure smile spreading across his face. “You think so?”

“Hell, yes. It was awesome.” Frank is emphatic and suddenly feels his lip trembling for no apparent reason. “I’m so fucking proud of you,” comes out of nowhere and fuck, he’s crying. He’s crying and so is Gerard and they’re moving toward each other before either seems to realize it. 

Gerard’s embrace is exactly the same. Frank’s face fits into the crook of Gerard’s neck, right where it’s always belonged and Frank just keeps murmuring ‘so fucking proud of you’ over and over again. He pauses to catch his breath and inhales the scent of pure _Gerard_. That delicious scent, one he’d know anywhere, sends tiny electric pinpricks shooting down his spine. He’s pondering this new/old sensation as he finally begins to make out the rambling mass of words that Gerard has been whispering in his ear. 

“So sorry, Frankie. Missed you so fucking much. I love you. So sorry I hurt you. I didn’t know. I love you so much. Never stopped thinking about you. So fucking sorry.”

“Shhhh…” Frank brings his fingers up to cover Gerard’s mouth and the words come easily, without a single second’s hesitation. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” 

*_*_*

**The first time after the last time**

Some losses hurt so much that your brain doesn’t let you think about them. You wouldn’t be able to function if you did. So you keep going on about your life as if everything’s fine, everything’s normal, and you just don’t think about it. You don’t miss it, because you can’t. It’s like what you lost doesn’t even exist, and never did. So then it isn’t until you have that thing again that you feel all the missing. All of the missing feelings all at once flood over you along with so much joy that you almost can’t take it. It’s like someone stole your heart in your sleep, so you never knew it was gone until you got it back. And once you have it again, it’s so beautiful that it overwhelms you. 

That’s how this feels to Frank. The first kiss. That first touch of Gerard’s tongue against his. No cigarette taste, not even the tiniest hint of it. Frank smiles into the kiss and whispers another, “I forgive you” and sends it down into the depths of Gerard’s body, hoping it settles somewhere around his soul. 

Frank is in a hurry. He can’t make himself savor this. It’s been so long, he feels like he wants everything all at once. When he finally gets his hand in Gerard’s pants, the first slide of his palm along Gee’s dick feels electric. Frank mirrors Gerard’s gasps as he strokes slow and firmly for the first minute or so. Then Frank’s back to rushing, backing up just enough to get his own pants and underwear off while Gerard does the same.

When their bodies meet again, there’s the first drag of Gerard’s dick rutting against Frank’s. It’s so good it makes Frank’s breath catch in his throat.They rub against each other, sharing precome and spit until it the slide is slick and smooth. It doesn’t take them long to get into a rhythm. It isn’t hard to remember how they do this. They fit like they always fit, like it’s been no time at all. Far too soon, they’re both so ready they could go off at any moment and Gerard’s dragging Frank over to the bed and pushing him down on to his back. “Hold your legs up for me, Frankie,” Gerard says as he grabs lube from his bag. Frank slides his hands under his knees and pulls them up to his chest, holding himself open for Gerard to get him ready. 

The first slide of Gerard’s fingers into Frank’s ass feels amazing. He’s always loved the way Gerard scissors his fingers around, stretching him gently from the inside out. When he’s ready, Gerard says, “Stay on your back, Frankie. I need to see your face. I’ve been dreaming of your face. It’s all I could think about some nights. I need to see you.”

Then there’s the first press of Gee’s cock into Frank’s ass. So sweet and so tight. It’s perfect. Frank stills and grabs Gerard’s hip, holding him steady. He needs time to adjust and absorb the feeling. Frank takes a deep breath before nodding and breathing out, “Go.” 

Gerard goes hard. He doesn’t hold anything back and Frank is glad for that. All Frank wants is to feel this. He closes his eyes, lost as the sensations overwhelm his body. “Are you with me, Frankie?” Gerard asks quietly.

“Mmmm here, Gee.” Frank flails around until he finds Gerard’s hands so he can intertwine their fingers. When Gerard’s tempo speed up, Frank pulls Gerard’s hand to his mouth, finding a finger to suck and gnaw on as Gerard hits at just the sweet spot over and over again. Frank feels like he’s on fire. It’s like every nerve ending is inflamed as Gerard just keeps filling him up, making him breathless. 

“Tell me how it feels,” Gerard demands before biting down on Frank’s collarbone. 

“It feels like heaven and hell all rolled into one, Gee, fuck it’s perfect, and so hot, so fucking hot.” Frank barely manages to get the last part out as he comes, untouched, before he’s really ready for it. It’s good, though, and long, as Gerard keeps thrusting until he comes. He pulses for ages and Frank rides it out, squeezing his ass around Gerard’s dick until he’s still. His vision is blurry and he feels completely strung out as Gerard collapses on top of him, his head landing on the pillow beside Frank’s.

Gerard strokes Frank’s hair gently away from his face. “I like it long, like this.” 

“I know,” Frank says after catching his breath for several long moments. He notices that Gerard’s finger is bleeding and brings it back into his mouth to suck the blood away.

Gerard nuzzles his face into Frank’s, his nose resting on Frank’s cheek. He says quiet and deep, like it’s a secret, “I love you.” 

Frank kisses at Gerard’s finger gently. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics are from _Weighted_ by frnkiero andthe cellabration.


End file.
